Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
