Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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