I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
