Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize