My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
