i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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