he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
