last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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