Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
where am i from again
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
