Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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