I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
even my farts smell like vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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