I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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