I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
