I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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