You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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