I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
