Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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