I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
