Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize