My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
