I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
