He asked to "fluff my boner.."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
