oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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