I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorry my hands just texted you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
