i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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