yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
