she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize