Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
