there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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