btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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