I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize