I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
