I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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