Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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