How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
