not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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