I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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