Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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