shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
