I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
