You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
