How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
