considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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