I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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