I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
