Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
