I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
