dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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