My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
smell my finger.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
