Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
