I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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