I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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