My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
