your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
