come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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