My room smells like vodka and shame
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
