im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
