My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize