I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
