There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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