Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize