moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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