I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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