I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I want to make a zoo with you.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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