The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize